i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
