I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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