Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
We were destined to go to rehab together
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
