Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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