Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
