im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
