I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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