if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize