My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
