That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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