I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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