I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
