Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
