her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
