My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I checked into jail on foursquare
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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