I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
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i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
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It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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