Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
