Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
