u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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