I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Randomize
