He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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