What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
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