I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
