My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
