Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Lo siento on account of my penis...
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
