dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
