Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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