i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.