If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
These 23 Kids Have The Most Overbearing Parents Imaginable
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.