I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
