So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
