The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Randomize
