her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
