Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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