At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
