you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
