Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
