Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
