Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
