i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
