There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
