I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
