We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I got inside last night via doggy door
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
