I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
