The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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