Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
