RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
