My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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