Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
