I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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