Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
