So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
