Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
