Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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