I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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