Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
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So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
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I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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