put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize
