remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
