I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
