so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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