Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
That accounts for only three of the penises
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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